Blacksboro’s Weblog

1Now the word of the LORD came to me saying,

2“Son of man, propound a riddle and speak a parable to the house of Israel,

3saying, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD, “A great eagle with great wings, long pinions and a full plumage of many colors came to Lebanon and took away the top of the cedar.

4“He plucked off the topmost of its young twigs and brought it to a land of merchants; he set it in a city of traders.

5“He also took some of the seed of the land and planted it in fertile soil He placed it beside abundant waters; he set it like a willow.

6“Then it sprouted and became a low, spreading vine with its branches turned toward him, but its roots remained under it. So it became a vine and yielded shoots and sent out branches.

7“But there was another great eagle with great wings and much plumage; and behold, this vine bent its roots toward him and sent out its branches toward him from the beds where it was planted, that he might water it.

8“It was planted in good soil beside abundant waters, that it might yield branches and bear fruit and become a splendid vine.”‘

9“Say, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD, “Will it thrive? Will he not pull up its roots and cut off its fruit, so that it withers–so that all its sprouting leaves wither? And neither by great strength nor by many people can it be raised from its roots again.

10“Behold, though it is planted, will it thrive? Will it not completely wither as soon as the east wind strikes it–wither on the beds where it grew?”‘”

i love this verse, and so being, its probably one of my favorites in the bible. this hits home to me, and may also for many of you. God takes us from our natural state, our environment, our school, home, work, whatever it is, and snips us off that crowd. taking us from the mundane, he replants us, relocates our very foundation, thus being ultimately separated from the crowd. he gives us plentiful life, “planting us by the river” so that our “roots can be fed.” how many times do we look back on the world, and see that bigger, better deal coming along? whether its a better job, money, or that girl/guy that may seem like they can offer us simple gratitude, we take our eyes off God. we start to transfer our roots to that image, instead of staying where God planted us, by his life-giving river. then, when that job doesnt work, and we get laid off, or demoted, and the money is spent, and that girl or guy has hurt us, we wither like starving plants in the hot sun. we dry up and life becomes empty. See, since we aren’t part of that “group,” that “big tree” that we were once part of, we can never return. we may try, but the pain and conviction will only make it worse. i have a personal testimony on this subject, not once, but of two major times. is it worth looking back to the world, to something that gives us temporarily happiness? is it worth waiting to grow into that bold tree that God had ordained by planting us by his river, or is it worth the heartache to dive into a quick fix for now?

So this past week, we had a massive prayer-fest-meeting, whatever you want to call it. let’s just say it was a fiasco in the Holy spirit. and fiasco i mean in a good way. All hell was stirred up from this prayer meeting. Unfortunately i couldnt stay for the entire session, since i had to work at midnight, however, i felt the before-effects of this prayerful onslaught.

However, the thought of the entire get-together didnt quite register in my mind. Working alone will make you think deep and hard about things. sometimes good, other times, no so good. All in all, the thought of the outcome of the prayer meeting had lingered with me. Not only the outcome, but the traffic of people that it inticed. the majority of participants were all young, ranging from about 15, to 25. Now, think of it this way, its a friday night, last friday of the month. back when i was 18, my friends and i would be partying so hard, in memberance of the good times that month, that i’d completely forget what happened that night. That was just me, but the point i’m trying to get at is, its a friday night, and there, in a church, are 60+ young people gathered in a sancturary together. We are all worshiping one sovergn Lord, the ruler of the universe. to me, seeing this gives me chills. whatever walk those kids are in, whether they are on fire for the Lord, or backslidden, or hiding a personal sin, they…we, chose to stay indoors that night to worship God. Amazing

Throughout yesterday, i thought about a few aspects of prophets in the old testament, and what God wanted them to do. First, i thought about how God told Isaiah to walk naked for 3 years. Then i thought about how Ezekiel had to lay on his side for a year +.

Strange to say, and coincidentially, if you want to technically call it that, Pastor Mark used a few of those aspects, his main story being about Ezekiel laying on his side. This painted a portrait of a radical man, who was sure enough that God was telling him to do this. The point of it, was that, how far would we go for the voice of God. See, The Lord used these two men, and many other people in the bible, to prophecy to nations that were in danger of their own sin.

the point of this whole thing relies on the sole purpose of these men being preserved through harsh times. Last night i was reflecting on the word that Pastor Mark had spoke, and i thought to myself, if a man were to lay on his side, and just his side for even a week, he could be subjected to horrid legions, or bedsores, from the lack of circulation. now, if he was on his side for over a year, we see, and us as believers see that he was preserved.

God preserves us in harsh times if we believe and have faith in him. Just look at fasting. Ive seen and heard about people fasting food, and sometimes water for several days, if not weeks. it goes beyond the natural, seeing that it takes about four days to die of dehydration. still, some people can go for 21 days. all you have to do is pray and have faith that what you are doing is for the Lord, and he alone will provide in a supernautural way. thats all i gotta say, boomshakalaka.

I attend celebrate recovery. No shame in it. i struggle with certain probs, insecurity, anger, frustration mainly. In the past month, Jesus has been working on my heart. As far as anger goes, ive had to let this thing go. Now, last year, i viewed the 2nd year interns as these impermeable beings, that couldnt be shaken. guess what, ive seen them (most of them) in the roughest times. they bleed and hurt just like normal human beings. so i feel free to share about this aspect.

i used to let anger define my personality. i used to let the hate and grumpiness determine who i was. yeah, i can paste on a smile from time to time, but all in all i was angry. getting teased while i grew up, i soon found that if i fight back and sucker punch someone in the sternum they’d think twice. try that now, and i’ll find myself in OCJ faster than i can say the words behind those acronyms.

I once heard someone say that “homosexuals base their whole entire life around that one aspect, of them being who they are.” so what am i going to do? talk like an angry person, act like an angry person, be the irratable one in the cafeteria when i woke up late and got to breakfast 35 mins after it started?

i once was the guy who was pissed off, i once was the guy who let anger control my life. i once got a rush out of scaring people. both biblically and worldly its not liked. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. Its not right to carry your burden full of anger. as far as people in the world, i tend, and have pushed good people away because of my anger mask. trust me, in the long run, its not fun and it doesnt pay off.

I was at my cousin’s house last week. he is a man of a thousand trades; one day he’s a record producer, next he’s a photoshop genius, the next he is in a band with people across the country. the kid’s a real prodegy. lately hes put together a new boardgame. he got bored one night, and just started making things that looked like pokemon cards. i never watched pokemon, ever, and this isnt a lie to keep my tail from getting burnt by the interns. i had satellite tv growing up, and one show we surprisingly (thank goodness) that we didnt get was pokemon.

to make a long story short, he made a certain card to enable the player to skip a battle. this card is called “heaven’s rays”, and sports a picture of clouds, with rays of light shooting from them. beneath the picture is a caption that goes soemthing like “You look up and see the rays from heaven shining. You are so fixed upon it that you miss the next battle”

Wow. why didnt i think of that before. Really…

This week, ive especially been doing that. ive been trying extra hard to give the Lord my all, or most of it at least. After a few days of simply resisting my flesh, i could feel that i can talk to him in prayer much deeper than before. My patience is much better and i havent been struggling in the anger, self loathing since last week. and if i do start to, i feel that Jesus nudges me and is like, its ok, ur still learning. wow, why couldnt i have got on this bandwagon 3 years ago? i can truly say that in this season, i am starting to truly feel change.

Rev 2:7 – …To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God

Rev 2:11 – …He who overcomes will not be hurt at all by the second death.

we have a choice to make, whether to go with our own selfish, cunning, godless instincts, or to chase after the heart of the one who formed us.

in the recent past, i had a certain struggle that i had dealt with for quite some time. sin is sin, and i wasnt no murderer, but then again, my clothes werent as white as snow. i’d dwell in this sin, and worry often, “i’m going straight to hell in a hand basket.” scary thought, right? i’v “repented” asked for forgiveness, and said i’d try to fight this battle, but always, i’d give into my fleshly, earthly desires. then i realized, well this sin is *small*, why not just ignore it? still, condemnation fell on me, and although i believed, still no progress. then i stumbled across those few verses in the bible. Of course, this is right after uncle louie and i had that disgussion about loving God with all your heart, mind and soul. those verses give me hope. we have a choice, to say ‘eh, i am not going to change, and remain stuck in this self-loathing, self-grieving, temporary shell we call a body, or we can make a choice to change and *REPENT*. make that choice and stand up and fight against the enemy. and i pray that this post wasnt too random or cloudy. please, i beg u, for the life of me, send me a message to tell me how im writing and what you think  :-p

I went to the gym this morning. its 7am. Havent been to the gym that early in a while. Before that i prayed, and listened to worship music. Good start. Gym was well, as i could feel myself get into the sync of things. When i depart, a gaggle of about fifteen middle aged men meet outside to jog. They start on their expedition while i get into my car.

On the way out of the parking lot, i am watching them, as they run in the middle of the road. Not a smart idea. But again, it is 7:30 am, and there is nobody on the highway…

i yield and look for oncoming traffic. I dont see anybody at all to my left, so i make my right turn, to still see these guys hogging up the road. At this point, no problem, because i can just go around them. However, when i start to veer into the other lane, i hear the screeching of tires. I look in the rear view mirror and see this guy on a *scooter*  slamming on his breaks and creating a cloud of smoke from his burning tires behind him. A SCOOTER mind you. I swerve out of the way to avoid him from plowing through my back window. he drives passed me and waves. i was startled, and admittingly a little upset that this guy came out of nowhere. everything was fine…thank God.

So many times we get distracted by the world; whose wearing this, whose dating that person, who is drinking and drugging it up, whose running in the other lane. We can have the perfect walk with Jesus, and start out day off just right. We can do this for quite some time. But as soon as we lose distraction of OUR own path, there is bound to be a collision. Im not perfect. Many times in the past, i’d get tangled up in trying to bring people to the Lord, trying to solve people’s problems, trying to be the messiah for my own committee of friends. Furthermore i’d get caught up about whose talking and gossiping about so and so, and whose dating who and what not. But with doing this, we lose sight of our own path, and start to look to a path that is not our own. Yes, keep an eye out for others, but please, take it from me and keep an eye on your path, your walk, and you may be able to avoid collisions.

I feel that as a young adult i can express my feelings without people having to talk behind my back. Trust. Something i lost last year for some. However, for the others who wish to take heed of this message, well, see it as a prose from the bottom of my heart.

i tend to beat myself up. As the last post, if you had taken the time to read, i had written that we are our own worst critics. See, i struggle with a small assortment of areas. Everybody does. Anger was a key struggle, in which i have under control. (Now if i can cut down with the malicious sarcasm, it will be okay :-p) with this said, i struggle with other problems that i do not wish to fully disguss over this server. nor any server for that matter. but when i accidentally fall into that small rut, instead of me hopping back up and saying, “its okay, God’s still got me,” i condemn myself and stay in this shadow of self loathing. see, self hate has been a stronger struggle than drugs, anger, lust and hatred, because it is so engrained in me to beat myself up.

thank the Lord, though that he is showing me that we all slip and mess up, and get angry for this or that. that’s why we have 70+ years (hopefully) on this planet, so we can work at what we are weak in. When i spend time with God, and i’m not talking about coprate prayer, or an hour at interns. When i really spend time with God, and dig in deep, i tend to find out that i’m not the only screw up on this planet; that each and every one of us screws up. some maybe more than others. so, as a work in progress, i shrug off the dirt and keep on truckin’. im beginning to find that this life is merely a dream. why worry and fear, and hate, and begrudge and not give it all to the Lord? this life is nothing but a spec, a dream, and after all is said and done, is it really going to matter if we had to choose between Aero and Diesel? Or if we were good athiletes or writers? I dont have to answer that..

So, i get up for interns today, bright and cheery; have plenty of time to shower and read a little before i depart. I decide to get a drink at the store. Had enough time to get to the store and to school. No problem. However, every light seemed to be red. Green, then the next light again, red. Then i figure out that it is the first day of school. Oh, no wonder why it was so busy. Okay, no problem. However, then i realize its already 9:13, and I’m like 3 1/2 miles away from school. nice job john. what the heck happened?

i get to interns, no problem. Yeah, they joke bout me being ten minutes late. After a brief prayer and a prose of my malicious sarcasm about “ripping off tires and throwing them at people” i then get slack about the chairs. My fault, and yes i take complete responsibility. We gotta move, yatta yatta yatta, and in this, a girl calls me, one whom i am toggling the idea whether she is going to yell at me or praise me for my hard work. i’m thinking its going to be hell. After moving, Andrew and i have the haughty task of getting the binders together. Again, no big deal. However, the printer jams; not once, but several times. Great, its already past three thirty, i have to meet with this person at 5, and run around town. It got to a point, where i went into the kitchen, took a couple pusties (that Pastor offered) and booked the heck outa there.

Thing was, that in all the time, the frustration was on myself. See, a machine will jam, lights will turn red, and i will take full responsability over all the tasks that i didnt meet. However, i beat myself, as if i am not a Christ follower, but a person who practices Opus Dae (beating myself mentally, not physically) I am my worst enemy. We all are. in the entire state of the machine jamming, i wasnt frustrated at a mere flaw in the computer, but i was frustrated at myself. i tend to feel incompitent, because i look at these kids, 2, 3 years younger than myself, and i am like wow, for real, i gotta pick up the pace. We are indeed our own worst critics; something that i must work on over time.

funny thing. There are a group of girls, that are all friends. They have get togethers, little slumber parties, all of the things that girls do. Now, one girl, who seems to be the big sister, leader figure of the group starts to degrade people whom are out of the group. sad to see that the person she is degrading is merely flawless, being a wholesome, kind-loving, real individual. and this person that is putting down this girl, sadly again, is the leader of this group. this isnt any organization of mean girls. No, this is a group where she is trying to mentor and focus on their well being. sad.

People put others down by degrading them, so that all in all they can feel better about themselves. Girls in school will usually make fun of another girl whom has abstained from any party-some or sexual activity, by calling that girl a “whore” or “slut”, when they themselves are painting that bigger picture. i knew a girl who used to get teased in school because all the promiscuous girls would call her those names. Perhaps they wish they could be like that abstinent girl once again. perhaps they wish that they had what that girl possessed: self control and/or self respect.

now, there is another funny story. i knew another girl that was once “bigger” when she was younger. now, she looks like a completely different person, and still fears that she is the same way she used to be. she will often bypass comments on how good she looks, or if she goes with them, she’ll make a remark like, “i wish i was skinny.” and again, like the first girl, who downsizes others to make herself feel better, this girl will always make fun of the smallest defect that other girls have. flaws, things that people in passing wouldnt even really take notice to.

trust me, i used to do it too. i hated myself so much, and didnt have proper outlet, that i used to make fun of my own best friends. i’d make fun of andrew because he was of a larger size. i used to make fun of tom and cassidy. yeah, we all did in the group, because we were all insecure. we all, in a way, looked to people who were not real (celebrities) or to people that couldnt care less about us looking up to them and admiring them. so i, for one, would make fun of the group and lash out at my own friends, because number one, i had low self esteem, number two, i hated myself, and how i looked and who i was, and number three: because doing it made me feel better…for a short time. i warn you, readers, that drama like this, can cause some years, if not a lifetime of grief between you and others. so instead of cutting one down, take a look at the good aspects that you hold. and if you dont see them off the bat, then dig deeper. i’m sure you’ll be able to find a few