Blacksboro’s Weblog

I attend celebrate recovery. No shame in it. i struggle with certain probs, insecurity, anger, frustration mainly. In the past month, Jesus has been working on my heart. As far as anger goes, ive had to let this thing go. Now, last year, i viewed the 2nd year interns as these impermeable beings, that couldnt be shaken. guess what, ive seen them (most of them) in the roughest times. they bleed and hurt just like normal human beings. so i feel free to share about this aspect.

i used to let anger define my personality. i used to let the hate and grumpiness determine who i was. yeah, i can paste on a smile from time to time, but all in all i was angry. getting teased while i grew up, i soon found that if i fight back and sucker punch someone in the sternum they’d think twice. try that now, and i’ll find myself in OCJ faster than i can say the words behind those acronyms.

I once heard someone say that “homosexuals base their whole entire life around that one aspect, of them being who they are.” so what am i going to do? talk like an angry person, act like an angry person, be the irratable one in the cafeteria when i woke up late and got to breakfast 35 mins after it started?

i once was the guy who was pissed off, i once was the guy who let anger control my life. i once got a rush out of scaring people. both biblically and worldly its not liked. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. Its not right to carry your burden full of anger. as far as people in the world, i tend, and have pushed good people away because of my anger mask. trust me, in the long run, its not fun and it doesnt pay off.

I was at my cousin’s house last week. he is a man of a thousand trades; one day he’s a record producer, next he’s a photoshop genius, the next he is in a band with people across the country. the kid’s a real prodegy. lately hes put together a new boardgame. he got bored one night, and just started making things that looked like pokemon cards. i never watched pokemon, ever, and this isnt a lie to keep my tail from getting burnt by the interns. i had satellite tv growing up, and one show we surprisingly (thank goodness) that we didnt get was pokemon.

to make a long story short, he made a certain card to enable the player to skip a battle. this card is called “heaven’s rays”, and sports a picture of clouds, with rays of light shooting from them. beneath the picture is a caption that goes soemthing like “You look up and see the rays from heaven shining. You are so fixed upon it that you miss the next battle”

Wow. why didnt i think of that before. Really…

This week, ive especially been doing that. ive been trying extra hard to give the Lord my all, or most of it at least. After a few days of simply resisting my flesh, i could feel that i can talk to him in prayer much deeper than before. My patience is much better and i havent been struggling in the anger, self loathing since last week. and if i do start to, i feel that Jesus nudges me and is like, its ok, ur still learning. wow, why couldnt i have got on this bandwagon 3 years ago? i can truly say that in this season, i am starting to truly feel change.