Blacksboro’s Weblog

I feel that as a young adult i can express my feelings without people having to talk behind my back. Trust. Something i lost last year for some. However, for the others who wish to take heed of this message, well, see it as a prose from the bottom of my heart.

i tend to beat myself up. As the last post, if you had taken the time to read, i had written that we are our own worst critics. See, i struggle with a small assortment of areas. Everybody does. Anger was a key struggle, in which i have under control. (Now if i can cut down with the malicious sarcasm, it will be okay :-p) with this said, i struggle with other problems that i do not wish to fully disguss over this server. nor any server for that matter. but when i accidentally fall into that small rut, instead of me hopping back up and saying, “its okay, God’s still got me,” i condemn myself and stay in this shadow of self loathing. see, self hate has been a stronger struggle than drugs, anger, lust and hatred, because it is so engrained in me to beat myself up.

thank the Lord, though that he is showing me that we all slip and mess up, and get angry for this or that. that’s why we have 70+ years (hopefully) on this planet, so we can work at what we are weak in. When i spend time with God, and i’m not talking about coprate prayer, or an hour at interns. When i really spend time with God, and dig in deep, i tend to find out that i’m not the only screw up on this planet; that each and every one of us screws up. some maybe more than others. so, as a work in progress, i shrug off the dirt and keep on truckin’. im beginning to find that this life is merely a dream. why worry and fear, and hate, and begrudge and not give it all to the Lord? this life is nothing but a spec, a dream, and after all is said and done, is it really going to matter if we had to choose between Aero and Diesel? Or if we were good athiletes or writers? I dont have to answer that..

So, i get up for interns today, bright and cheery; have plenty of time to shower and read a little before i depart. I decide to get a drink at the store. Had enough time to get to the store and to school. No problem. However, every light seemed to be red. Green, then the next light again, red. Then i figure out that it is the first day of school. Oh, no wonder why it was so busy. Okay, no problem. However, then i realize its already 9:13, and I’m like 3 1/2 miles away from school. nice job john. what the heck happened?

i get to interns, no problem. Yeah, they joke bout me being ten minutes late. After a brief prayer and a prose of my malicious sarcasm about “ripping off tires and throwing them at people” i then get slack about the chairs. My fault, and yes i take complete responsibility. We gotta move, yatta yatta yatta, and in this, a girl calls me, one whom i am toggling the idea whether she is going to yell at me or praise me for my hard work. i’m thinking its going to be hell. After moving, Andrew and i have the haughty task of getting the binders together. Again, no big deal. However, the printer jams; not once, but several times. Great, its already past three thirty, i have to meet with this person at 5, and run around town. It got to a point, where i went into the kitchen, took a couple pusties (that Pastor offered) and booked the heck outa there.

Thing was, that in all the time, the frustration was on myself. See, a machine will jam, lights will turn red, and i will take full responsability over all the tasks that i didnt meet. However, i beat myself, as if i am not a Christ follower, but a person who practices Opus Dae (beating myself mentally, not physically) I am my worst enemy. We all are. in the entire state of the machine jamming, i wasnt frustrated at a mere flaw in the computer, but i was frustrated at myself. i tend to feel incompitent, because i look at these kids, 2, 3 years younger than myself, and i am like wow, for real, i gotta pick up the pace. We are indeed our own worst critics; something that i must work on over time.